Sad

I have felt a great deal of sadness in my life. For a long time my strategy was to deny it, suppress it, avoid it, or try to drink it away.

I thought of sadness as something that was inherently bad or wrong with me. A feeling reinforced by society which tells you from the youngest age “don’t be sad,” “snap out of it” or “boys don’t cry.”

In my ongoing quest to understand how I ended up where I am today, I’ve come across a good deal of literature, wisdom and science that suggests otherwise.

Sadness like any other emotion isn’t bad or good. It just is. We all feel it to different degrees, at different times and for different reasons. Feeling sad is normal.

My relationship with sadness improved when I first began to call it by its rightful name. Historically, I would just tell others I was in a funk - rather than acknowledging how I was really feeling - sad.

Last year, after a friend died suddenly, I had a difficult time processing the loss. One night, sitting solemnly at the dinner table with my family. I just looked at them and said, “I am sorry, I am just so sad right now.”

Saying those few words to people I loved was such a relief.

I also turn to music, movies and literature. I find solace and comfort when I see others processing their sadness through art. It reminds me that we’re not alone in these feelings and that things do get better.

Just last night I went to see Joy Oladokun in concert. She is particularly skilled at turning her sad feelings into something beautiful. In an interview last year, she told me that her music is simply her trying to make sense of the world - in a way that also might help others. It does.

Recently I stumbled upon the poem, “Go to the Depths of Your Longing” by Rainer Maria Rilke. He writes, “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don’t let yourself lose me.”

The line “No feeling is final” is such a powerful reminder.

Someone once told me; “People are not sad. Sadness is passing through them.” No one feeling defines us. They ebb and flow by nature. Science confirms this transience.

When we feel sad, there are physiological changes in the chemistry in our brain. Neurotransmitters, dopamine and serotonin, become suppressed, leading to these feelings of sadness. Fortunately, there are many ways in which they can recover - sometimes quickly.

For me, this recovery is aided by talking to people and sharing my feelings. Trying to understand why I am feeling sad, while recognizing and accepting the fact sometimes you just don’t know why and that’s ok.

Beyond talking to others, I also have changed the way I talk to myself. I don’t deny or suppress my sadness. I try instead to confront it, perhaps even embrace it. My sadness is a natural part of me. It makes me a more empathetic person, reminds me to slow down or step up for others. It inspires my writing. Accepting that sadness is a normal part of my life, keeps me from ruminating on it - stopping that cyclical negative self-talk that can cause sadness to overstay its welcome.

This is a season where sadness becomes more prevalent. A topic I discussed with Katherine May, author of the wonderful book, Wintering. She encourages us to lean into this time, recognizing the difficulties of this season and the need to emphasize recovery and self-care. It’s ok to wrap yourself in a blanket, sit with your emotions, and take it easy on yourself.

I know that I am rambling on a bit. This post is longer than most. I also don’t want this writing to pass for any clinical advice. The science of sadness and depression has advanced and if you’re struggling with either and need help then I strongly encourage you to get it. We all deserve all the help and support we can get.

This post is just a way of sharing my own feelings and experience with sadness; hoping it might perhaps make even one person feel less alone with this feeling.

Recommendation of the Week. Listen to my conversations with Joy and Katherine. They both were incredibly helpful to me and perhaps will be to you as well.

Consider sharing this - or more importantly your own experience with sadness - with a loved one who might benefit from it.